Always remember, fiction reveals truth that reality often obscure.
-
me
I was walking home today and my mind was occupied of too many things.
Big, small…all tied in perfect strings
Running free inside my head,
indifferent as I bled
It happens most of the time, though.
I overthink every single little thing.
I overanalyse
Afraid that I didn’t convey myself properly
Afraid I will be misunderstood.
Afraid that people is seeing a version I am trying hard to store away, hidden.
Buried deep underground, unwritten.
And so I think of “changing” myself.
To be a “better” version of what I am right now.
To be an illusion myself could allow
You might ask, “why not?” That, I don’t know.
I don’t even know what’s “right” when I overanalyse.
Then I saw a note, a piece of edelweiss.
A piece of reminder to just “be myself”.
To think and feel
To act upon my own compass and
unchanging free-will
-
the old there-before
You’re headed for heaven
The sweet old hereafter
And I’ve got one foot in the door
But before I can fly up
I’ve loose ends to tie up
Right here, in the old there-beforeAnd I’ll be along
When I’ve finished my song
When I’ve shut down the band
When I’ve played out my hand
When I’ve paid all my debts
When I have no regrets
Right here, in the old there-before
When nothing is left anymoreAnd I’ll catch you up
When I’ve emptied my cup
When I’ve worn out my friends
When I’ve burned out both ends
When I’ve cried all my tears
When I’ve conquered my fears
Right here, in the old there-before
When nothing is left anymoreAnd I’ll bring the news
When I’ve danced off my shoes
When my body’s closed down
When my boat’s run aground
When I’ve tallied the score
And I’m flat on the floor
Right here, in the old there-before
When nothing is left anymoreWhen I’m pure like a dove
When I’ve learned how to love
Right here, in the old there-before
When nothing is left anymoreThe Old There-before
The Ballads of Songbirds and Snakes
-
hanging tree
Are you, are you comin’ to the tree?
Where they strung up a man, they say, who murdered three
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging treeAre you, are you comin’ to the tree
Where dead man called out for his love to flee?
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging treeAre you, are you comin’ to the tree
Where I told you to run, so we’d both be free?
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging treeAre you, are you comin’ to the tree
Where necklace of hope, side by side with me?
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging treeAre you, are you comin’ to the tree
Where I told you to run, so we’d both be free?
Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging treeThe Hanging Tree
The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes
-
raw and vivid
“You’re going?”“Yeah.”
“You can always say ‘no’ if you don’t want to.”
“I’m…sure.”
After the host of the morning talk show opened her famous tag line, everyone in the crowd cheered. It followed the usual and familiar opening song that always leave Shiloah amused. For him, it’s a type of song that attracts your attention, gluing your eyes in front of the television.
It is with a familiar tune and harmony that can easily be memorized by anyone with ears. It’s like, anyone who will hear it will automatically answer the morning program he’s currently watching.
His attention briefly wandered when he heard the silent chime of the decorative bells on the top of their door as well as the sound of the crisp wind brought by the humid month of July.
“Shiloah, are you really sure?”
Though his eyes are still glued in front of the screen, he responded the same way. I’m sure. He may not really know what will happen if he will decide to push the idea through but one thing for him is for sure, he wanted to live.
For the first time, he wanted to help himself. To live.
Her mom was about to make another round of protest when Shiloah heard the wheezing of the casserole. A familiar click of the burner and the clanking of kitchen utensils. After the host announced that they will return after a quick commercial break, Shiloah managed to give his attention back to the cereals he have in front of him.
It was already soggy after left being unattended for minutes. Though he wanted to finish his meal, he suddenly lost his appetite and decided to just randomly play with the spoon. With every hit of the piece of metal in the ceramic bowl, it creates an amusing sound that triggered Shiloah’s ears.
Clang, clang, clang.
He closed his eyes and tried to remember all the sound he heard until the now. The hoarse voice of the talk show host, the cheering of the crowd, the jingling of the small bells, the gushing wind striking the window panes, the sound of the wheezing casserole and the clanking sound he was creating right now. Everything seem a dynamic composition. A raw sound pleasant to one’s ear.
If only he could make these sounds stay.
-
nikolo
I. It was a rainy afternoon of July.
And inside a cafe in downtown Manila, Nikolo tried his best to ignore Luigi’s continuous phone call. From his phone, the tormented rain outside tried to re-capture his attention. While holding a freshly brewed coffee that giving him enough warm, he lazily slid his back on the chair and closed his eyes.
II. After a few minutes, a chilly gush of wind made Nikolo opened his eyes. From the pouring rain, his attention briefly wandered on to the window pane in front of him which was intricately ornamented by sweet carvings and replicas of natural stones. Somehow, it intrigued him.
The mullioned window is also tainted with different colors that cast a melo ambiance inside the cafe.
The cafe must feel his nostalgia as an ambient chill of John Smith’s Far Too Good hit lowly at the background.
~Tell me your dream, Somewhere you wanna go or someone to be
What of those desires? What hunger to sate?
How high to fire?
If only the outside could cooperate. But it doesn’t. What melo and laidback feel he’s feeling inside the cafe, it was the total contrary on what he’s seeing outside. The rain is totally raging, as if it will continue until dusk.
~ Are you gonna make yourself unhappy? Are you gonna let it run you around?
Have a little faith, we can pull it together
You’re far too good for keeping down
He saw his phone light after a new message popped in. But totally ignored it and sipped his coffee.
III. The background fell silent after John Smith’s song has been finished. But the silence didn’t last long when a group of teenagers entered the cafe.
They are busy talking and laughing. As if in their own little world. All are a bit drenched from his observation. They also brought muddles of water and the roaring sound of the rain outside.
He sipped what’s remaining on his coffee and immediately fished out his ipod shuffle. Plugged his earphone and turned on for some music. He’s not going to spend his precious Sunday with buzzling kids’ voices in the background.
But what’s he’s expecting as a Brandon Jenner song turned out to be something different. It was a voice of a woman’s.
Nikolo, bewildered and utterly confused as to why there is a woman speaking to him, pause the audio. Turned his ipod for a few times and take some mental notes. It’s his, right? It’s the same black ipod shuffle. Old but never battered. The same scratches from few occasional fall are also there. But why is there a woman’s voice talking to him?
September 14, It’s cold.
I wish summer would finally say hello again.
Right, Francheska?
-
always a choice
She was only five when her parents left her in the custody of her paternal grandmother and aunt.
In this white walled Spanish inspired stone house were she grew up, they already etched in her mind at the age of five that they will never like her. That her actions were always wrong, and she will always be a disappointment. She didn’t know when it started. Didn’t know when did her actions became her own burden.
But because of this, she learned early never to ask anything in return. She learned early to never beg and even expect for any of her grandmother’s love and attention. She didn’t beg and expect for any recognition from her or from anyone else.
But ironically for them, it’s like an act of repulsion and rebellion. That it was her always choice and never the product of their own actions towards her. It will always be her fault to act that way instead of them acting like how an adult should be.
-
don’t
“Don’t make someone go through the same thing that ruined you. Don’t hurt people like that.”
-
to die for you is my greatest honour
Hua Cheng quietly sighed, extended his arms, and once again folded him into his embrace, “Your Highness, I’ve always watched you.”
This was the second time he said this, but his voice was softer than before. Xie Lian clutched the red robes at his chest, asking, his mind blank, “I know, I know. But… What should I do now?”
Hua Cheng’s long and slender fingers gently combed through Xie Lian’s mussed hair, “Then, your Highness, do you know why I refuse to leave this world?”
Xie Lian couldn’t understand why Hua Cheng could still be so calm at a time like this, as he was panicking so hard he was trembling. But while feeling lost, he still simple-mindedly asked, “Why?”
Hua Cheng replied quietly, “Because I have a beloved who is still in this world.”
Hearing this, Xie Lian was slightly stunned. He seemed to have heard this somewhere before.
Hua Cheng continued, “My beloved is a brave, noble and gracious special someone. He saved my life. I’ve looked up to him ever since I was young. But, I wanted to catch up to him more, and become an even stronger person for him. Although, he might not remember me well. We never really talked. I want to protect him.”
He gazed at Xie Lian, “If your dream is to save the common people, then, my dream, is only you.”
Relying on his memory, Xie Lian asked with a trembling voice, “…But…. You won’t, be able to rest in peace…. Like this…?”
Hua Cheng answered, “I pray to never rest in peace.”
In that instant, all of Xie Lian’s breathing stopped, frozen in this moment. He could faintly hear two voices, one questioning the other answering.
“If your beloved knew you couldn’t rest in peace because of him, he might feel guilty and troubled.”
“Then I just won’t let him know why I haven’t gone.”
“After having seen so much, it’d be known sooner or later.” Xie Lian said.
“Then I won’t let him find out I’m protecting him either.”
That ball of ghost fire. In that lantern night, that weak little ghost fire he bought with a few pennies. That ghost fire who wanted to pull him up from the burial graves in a frozen winter night. That ghost fire who blocked in front of him before White No-Face and wouldn’t let him go near danger. That ghost fire who had screamed in torment for him during the time when a hundred swords pierced his heart!
Hua Cheng said quietly, “Your Highness, I understand your everything.”
“Your courage, your despair; your kindness, your pain; your resentment, your hate; your intelligence, your foolishness.”
“If I could, I would have you use me as your stepping stone, the bridge you take apart after crossing, the corpse bones you need to trample to climb up, the sinner who deserved the butchering of a million knives. But I know you wouldn’t allow it.”
He said as the maple red of his robes slowly faded away.
Xie Lian’s shaking hands tried to grab hold of him, and he never stopped transferring spiritual powers, but even then he couldn’t prevent Hua Cheng’s form from fading slowly.
His eyes were going blurry, his speech staggered, and he stammered, “…Alright don’t say anymore, I get it… but, but don’t be like this, alright? San Lang? I… I’ve borrowed so much spiritual powers from you that I haven’t returned yet. And, I’m actually not done saying all that I wanted to say earlier, there’s still so much. It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t… actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already!
“I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!”
Hua Cheng had already vanished from this world twice because of him!
Hua Cheng only replied, “To die in battle for you is my greatest honour.”
Those words were like a fatal blow. The tears in Xie Lian’s eyes could no longer be restrained, and they came pouring out. Like he was hanging on to the last straw of his life, he pleaded, “You said you would never leave me.”
However, Hua Cheng replied, “There is no banquet in this world that doesn’t come to an end.”
Xie Lian bowed his head and buried it deep into his chest, his heart and throat in constricted agony, unable to speak. Yet soon after, he heard Hua Cheng say above him, “But I will never leave you.”
Hearing this, Xie Lian’s head shot up. Hua Cheng said to him, “I will come back. Your highness, believe me.”
Although his voice was firm, still his pale face was dimming, becoming transparent. Xie Lian reached out, wanting to touch his face, but his fingertips went through air. He was startled, then looked up.
Hua Cheng’s eyes were gentle and blazing, that remaining eye was filled with love, and it gazed at him silently. He seemed to have said something, but there was no sound. Xie Lian wouldn’t give up, reaching out with both hands, trying to snatch him deeper into his arms, wanting to hear better.
But before he could exert force, the one he was holding, and the one holding him, had disappeared.
In an instant, before him, Hua Cheng shattered into thousands of silver butterflies, transforming into a breeze of twinkling stars he could neither embrace nor hold.
Xie Lian’s arms came empty, still maintaining an hugging position, moving not a limb. He couldn’t tell if it was because he hadn’t yet come to his senses or because he couldn’t move at all, and he knelt there within that dream-like array of butterflies, his eyes widening.
paragraph nineteen 